I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
