I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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