Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
