youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
