Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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