I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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