she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
