ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
