i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
