You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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