sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
