dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
