You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
