Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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