..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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