her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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