a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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