I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
