The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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