There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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