two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
