I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
