We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
