Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
