So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
