Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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