There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
