dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
