life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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