tell your sister to shave her snatch
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
