can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The uberlube is also flammable
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
