I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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