Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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