Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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