The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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