everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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