she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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