If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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