I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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