sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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