She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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