new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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