I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
