the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
