yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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