after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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