I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize