If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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