When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well I just put wine in my tea
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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