Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
