Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
