I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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