going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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