Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
