I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
