Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
