video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
