My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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