my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
