The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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