I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
