she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
